For two weeks now, as I watch ad after ad of 50 Shades trailers, I have been in a mood of outrage at our society.
How can we be outraged when Rihanna takes Chris Brown back and we watch a Super Bowl ad and say “oh, yes…domestic abuse is an atrocity.”
But then we turn a blind eye to a movie that at its heart embraces abuse, condones misuse of power, and degrades a woman’s self worth.
And just to clarify…I’m not condemming BDSM. BDSM between consensual emotionally mature adults in a trusting relationship…if that’s what floats your boat…then more power to you.
What occurs in this movie is much more than just BDSM. What happens between the two characters is emotional manipulation, controlling another person’s thoughts, words, and deeds, threatening another person’s safety, and the list goes on and on.
At numerous many points in this book {just to name a few…the stalking, the threats, the inequality of power & control} I want to say “The worst thing about these books is…”
But perhaps, the worst part is the underlying effect when abuse embeds itself into one’s psyche.
…the Grey Shade of Shame
while hiding black & blue bruises on our backs, afraid to undress at the gym for fear of being found out.
…the Grey Shade of Torture
while hearing “If you had done what I told you to, I wouldn’t need to whip you with this belt.”
…the Grey Shade of Fear
while hearing your abuser threaten to rape you.
When caustic comments are repeated day after day, situation after situation, year after year, they get under your skin, degrade your worth, and eventually they tear a woman down. They make her feel she deserves those beatings, she deserves being talked to as if she is a filthy human being.
Whether verbal,physical, or sexual…abuse is psychological.
It gets underneath your skin and affects how you view right & wrong.
It skews your beliefs until you don’t know what to be confident of anymore.
You take a controlling man who preys on a woman and batters her down
until nothing is left
but a stubble of who she used to be.
His actions make her not just FEEL but THINK that she wasn’t worthy of decent love from the beginning.
Or, perhaps it is this that is the worst part…
For many supporters of this trilogy, they see the plot as being redemptive. For by the end of book 3, Ana has changed Christian to be a better man. Because of her, he is now a loving husband, a doting father.
Women, hear me loud and clear.
No woman has ever changed a man.
NEVER, EVER, EVER.
You love him for who he is. And if he happens to become better over time, that’s great. But at the end of the day…
You only have the power to change yourself.
So what message are we sending young ladies, teenagers, college bound girls….that they will be able to change a man? That their self esteem, their self worth doesn’t matter?
Young women…hear this…
There are awesome and wonderful men in this world who will cherish you, treasure you, and respect you and your wishes more than you ever thought possible. Trust your heart and your body to a man like that.
A man who gets his pleasure from hurting you, from controlling you, from knowing where you are every single second of the day…avoid those men like the plague. The man who makes you second guess yourself, makes you question what his true motives are…those are the ones to leave behind in the dust.
If someone can’t respect you for who you are, if someone has to undermine your value in order to make themselves feel more important – move on to bigger & brighter futures.
Because, you, you are worth SO MUCH MORE than being the object of someone’s issues with their own past.
Let them get help on their own. Let them figure out how to release the demons of their past. But you don’t need to stick around for them to do that.
Instead, find your worth in who you are…a beautiful, brilliant, talented, witty, funny, caring, loveable creation of God.
p.s…if this post has been touching to you, please forward to the young women in your life. Abuse happens more often that we realize, everywhere around us, even to men by women.
And if you are in an abusive relationship, there are people that want to help you. www.thehotline.org or 800.799.7233