Up until two months ago, I thought I had a pretty good handle on the concept of gratitude. Give me any day, good or bad, and I could find something for which to give thanks.

But just three weeks into quarantine, all I seemed capable of was grumbling. One evening at dinner, my prayer was, “Lord, I know I should pray for a better attitude, but I really just want to keep having a pity party for myself.”

It wasn’t that I didn’t have experience with difficult times. The life numbing grief and corresponding depression from my brother-in-law’s suicide was the reason I had become pretty good at gratitude in the first place.

After 8 dark months in the midst of raising a newborn and a toddler, a friend encouraged me to read One Thousand Gifts. Ann Voskamp’s words challenged me to find the eucharisteo, that which to be thankful for, every day, all day long. 

And it worked. Over the next year, my depression lifted and by the time five years passed, I had etched down over 5000 reasons to be grateful.

But years pass. Habits, even good ones, slip away. I stopped choosing to focus on the good and instead could only see “what I didn’t have”.

During the night after I uttered my ridiculous but honest thoughts to God, I woke up from sleep to hear the words “gratitude over grumbles”.

For the next five weeks, my brain tried hard to find good, but my heart refused. Whines and complaints continued to fill my days and Jared’s ear every evening. Nothing was good enough and I was so.over.it. 

Thankfully, God used a desolate moment of washing dishes in solitude to speak to me. 

He reminded me that he wasn’t asking me to love my circumstances. 

He wasn’t asking me to enjoy every moment of these long quarantine days. 

He was asking me to find something good, something to be thankful for.

Our job is not to be grateful because our circumstances are wonderful but to be grateful in spite of our circumstances. 

If we keep waiting for perfect moments, situations, relationships before giving thanks, then we miss out on appreciating all the blessings that surround us, right now, in the everyday small moments of life.

And while gratitude at times might be felt, it is only when we choose it as a verb – as an action –whether through writing it down or verbally reminding ourselves – that our lives are changed, that depression can be lifted, and that we can make it through one.more.day of quarantine. 

This week has been hard, with copious amounts of tears shed by me, as we finish out these last few weeks of homeschooling underneath the banner of a school district. I battle between my people (teacher)-pleasing tendencies as I push kids to finish assignments versus my desire to focus on the foundational skills I know they need.

Things like learning the lost art of handwriting a letter to their great grandma. Teaching keyboarding skills because pecking away on a keyboard with one finger has become a pet peeve of mine. Learning multiplication through Times-Tales because rote-memorization is not for everyone. Spending the day on a dirt road in the forest, teaching them how to drive a truck. Encouraging D to put pen to paper, writing the book series he daydreams about, ant colonies battling for the Lost Territory of the Sun. 

But while I want to rush this chapter to a close, I am reminded that with God, there is purpose in all seasons of life, even the moments that are long and hard. 

I believe God is using this season to grow my character and faith in Him. He’s helping me stop searching for other’s approval and instead choose to believe what He says about me. That my worth isn’t found in being perfect or making teachers and other people happy. My worth {and yours} is found in God’s love for us. 

I’m not saying that’s easy. But I have a choice here. Either I can continue 100% people-pleasing, making kids finish everything which leads to more tears than can be good for our mental health. Or maybe I could ask God for wisdom on which assignments the kids need to complete and which to let go of. And then actually let them go. Ugh, just the thought brings on anxiety. But if I believe the Bible to be true, then I need to believe that I’m not a failure because I didn’t do something exactly right. I need to take a step of faith, believing that God will show me the way and that He also gave me wisdom as a mom to know what the best thing for my children is. 

Faith is filled with choices and scary moments. It’s also filled with the reassurance that God’s got me and loves me, regardless of the issues I struggle through. And He’s got you too. During this season of no-other, He is with you and just wants you to come to Him with your anxiety, fear, people-pleasing tendencies, whatever you are walking through – He is there for you.